How to bring a dildo into our sex life?

As a sex consultant, I’ve heard variations on „how to get my partner to use sex toys with me“. There are thousands of articles out there, but they lack depth. The answer, of course, is communication, but how? And how do you do it in a way that makes them enthusiastic, rather than apprehensive and deterred, or worse, activates insecurities that cause tension and collapse arousal and attraction? There is emotional variation involved as well as different dynamics. So, I’ve decided to break this down into a few common dynamics, and hey, if you don’t fit into one of them and need advice, then write in the comments below. Each week I’ll write another part to this question.

Men, wanting to use a Sex Toys For Men dildo on their partner when they haven’t used a toy yet and actively communicating about it. Women, who are hungry for some kind of experience with toys …… Wants her partner to use it on her. Using a dildo to enhance the relationship, including some erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Use toys in a way that develops, rather than hurts, your ability to pleasure and sexual sensitivity to explore your relationship and add to the toolbox. Let’s start with „I’m a guy and I think it would be sexy to use a dildo on my partner, how do I present it to her?“

First and foremost, sexual communication needs to be a priority in every relationship. If you don’t communicate to the point where you need counseling in this area, then it’s time to open up the conversation and start talking to each other. I wrote this article for the kind of woman who is unsure, not the kind of woman who pontificates, knows what she wants, how she wants it, and is ready to tell you how to do every last detail.

The question you have to ask yourself is, what do you find compelling about using it on her? I assume that 1. you want her to feel pleasure and find it exciting and satisfying to imagine that this new physical experience will bring her great pleasure; and 2. you will find it visually stimulating to watch it happen.

I suggest you talk to her at an appropriate time, snuggled up on the couch, out for a drink, rather than during coitus or when she is trying to put the screaming baby to bed, and ask her if she has considered bringing toys into your lovemaking. Then, express the imagination that using a toy on her is a big turn-on for you. If she says no, or reacts negatively, don’t react at all. Your communication now is about getting to know each other, and you want to know who she is and what her desires are.

From there, ask her what types of toys she has used in the past, how they felt, and in what ways she used them. If she is negative, find out what she has experienced. Find out why, and what happened! Be compassionate and understanding and don’t just look at it from the perspective of getting her to do what you want to do. Respect that she doesn’t want to be if there is a reason, and find out what that reason is. Before my current partner, I hated cunnilingus and believe me it wasn’t because I didn’t experience a lot of it. Oral sex was on my „just don’t do it“ list and I was adamant about not doing it because I wouldn’t do sex that didn’t feel good. However, my partner went down that road and after a while I actually asked him if he would do it for me. He took gentle steps each time and never overwhelmed or hurt me and now …… Well, now I can’t get enough of it, in all forms, with or without toys. Remember, if she is apprehensive open her up and don’t push things on her.

I once had an ex who would start mouthing off after I had an orgasm about all the really kinky things he wanted to do to me and me. It was just so offensive, especially during that period of emotional openness and vulnerability after an orgasm, and it shut me down completely and scared me a little that it was so insensitive to my needs. The thing is, I’m willing to try most things and like all kinds of really kinky stuff. They just need to be done in a way that feels safe for me and makes me feel like I would enjoy it. My partner and I like to share articles and pictures via email and then decide to have a more serious chat or try something on „tech day“, which will be discussed in the next post.

Whether the response is positive or negative, one fun activity I suggest you do on a semi-regular basis is to browse sex toy stores together, either online, or in person, and point out the toys that appeal to you. Why they are, and how you imagine they could be used in a way that feels pleasurable. For example, that porn clip you saw of the „lesbian“ driving each other with a huge dildo while in ecstasy probably tickled your fancy, making you imagine using a large dildo on your woman and seeing her scream, only to be filled to that degree. (I disagree, but that’s not what this article is about). Pornography is fake. If you do what you see, you will hurt her and turn her off, don’t let her do fake things to hurt your feelings. Large dildos can be painful and hurtful when used improperly, however, with a normal woman, if you arouse her body start from the outside in, get her to a huge level of arousal before penetration, then slowly penetrate her with that sizable object slowly, letting the stillness and pressure of penetration fill her with tiny movements and gentle pressure …… Do this in combination with nipple sucking and gentle clitoral stroking and you will find she will go crazy. Instead of hurting her and making her disgusted.

Manage your expectations of the response, especially the first time. Let her just feel the sensation. Don’t expect her to act like a porn star. Maybe she’ll find it very pleasurable, but let it happen …… or not, and then discuss how it feels and what, if anything, can make it feel better. The fifth time you use the toy may be better than the first time because of the proficiency you have gained together. If she feels pressured to react in a certain way, she won’t be as excited.

Finally, get to know her internal and external anatomy. I’m sure you’re great in bed. But explore her, by playing with her vulva with your fingers and mapping her internal vagina to find out which spots are more responsive and what kind of stimulation they like. My Gspot likes something different than the point slightly above it, and that is the left wall point is different than the deeper points – it really just likes pulses or constant pressure that is hard to reach when fully aroused, but it’s like a choir of a thousand angels raining ecstasy down on me with their voices and lifting me up to heaven. When you know her body, you can have the confidence to use toys on it because you’ll know what kind of things to do with them. Pleasure is so sexy.

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